Saturday, December 18, 2004
THE SCOTTISH PROBLEM
BY RICCARDINO
..."Gangs of marauding foxes are now parading themselves throughout the semi-rural areas of Scotland. Before the ban in Scotland foxes, or Charlie as they affectionately call themselves, were kept under control humanely and sweetly by foxhounds. Now all has changed. They are forming gangs and terrorising the inhabitants of small to medium sized towns, demanding pizzu, or payment of money, in return for protection. The police now believe that there is a Sicilian influence having investigated reports of Sicilian flavour sausages being taken in broad daylight from local butchers. Also, the family of a missing huntsman were delivered a package with the strong scent of foxes and containing a red hunting jacket and a salmon. The police are dredging the local loch.
A few residents have tried to combat the sheer dominance of the foxes. However, their attempts at justice were mercilessly beaten down by the foxes and their chickens eaten. There were even threats that cats (the size of lions) and obese children (deep fried Mars Bar addiction is also a problem) would be taken in the night by the fox gangs.
Such is the current bare-faced cheek of the foxes that they are now going out at night and lamping the local farmers. Scores have been killed. One local farmer said the current situation is "shite".
MPs have said that they will look into the reports of the fox menace, but only after Christmas because it's really hard to get hold of iPods at the moment and MPs are having to fly to London to try the new Apple Store in Tottenham Court Road.
A fox representative denied any responsibility for the missing villagers and huntspeople saying that it was simply the bad weather that had caused so many deaths. The fox, who wanted to remain anonymous, (we'll call him Mr Fox) said, "I'm absolutely appalled that people should think that we are terrorising people and have any link with the Cosa Nostra. Anyway, if anybody was 'accidentally' killed whilst our group were roaming the countryside on a wintery morning, it's not our fault - and any fatalities would have been dispatched quickly and painfully, ah, I mean painLESSLY, by a quick bite to the back of the neck - what's the f**king problem, jeez!"
..."Gangs of marauding foxes are now parading themselves throughout the semi-rural areas of Scotland. Before the ban in Scotland foxes, or Charlie as they affectionately call themselves, were kept under control humanely and sweetly by foxhounds. Now all has changed. They are forming gangs and terrorising the inhabitants of small to medium sized towns, demanding pizzu, or payment of money, in return for protection. The police now believe that there is a Sicilian influence having investigated reports of Sicilian flavour sausages being taken in broad daylight from local butchers. Also, the family of a missing huntsman were delivered a package with the strong scent of foxes and containing a red hunting jacket and a salmon. The police are dredging the local loch.
A few residents have tried to combat the sheer dominance of the foxes. However, their attempts at justice were mercilessly beaten down by the foxes and their chickens eaten. There were even threats that cats (the size of lions) and obese children (deep fried Mars Bar addiction is also a problem) would be taken in the night by the fox gangs.
Such is the current bare-faced cheek of the foxes that they are now going out at night and lamping the local farmers. Scores have been killed. One local farmer said the current situation is "shite".
MPs have said that they will look into the reports of the fox menace, but only after Christmas because it's really hard to get hold of iPods at the moment and MPs are having to fly to London to try the new Apple Store in Tottenham Court Road.
A fox representative denied any responsibility for the missing villagers and huntspeople saying that it was simply the bad weather that had caused so many deaths. The fox, who wanted to remain anonymous, (we'll call him Mr Fox) said, "I'm absolutely appalled that people should think that we are terrorising people and have any link with the Cosa Nostra. Anyway, if anybody was 'accidentally' killed whilst our group were roaming the countryside on a wintery morning, it's not our fault - and any fatalities would have been dispatched quickly and painfully, ah, I mean painLESSLY, by a quick bite to the back of the neck - what's the f**king problem, jeez!"
